Where do I begin?

   You ever have so much to say, you just stay silent? Those moments when you want to spill all those secrets that hide deep behind locked doors. Those secrets that you shoved so deep in your brain ,you, yourself, even forgot them for a while. Suppressed is probably the more appropriate word.. But none the less.. nothing will be the same ever again once they’re out. So you just sit in silence. Staring off into the distant. Well I’m gonna start to open those doors today. 

   Even during my early childhood I always was big on secrets. Everybody’s go to person when they just needed an ear to listen, knowing that lips would never part and spill forth their words.

   But who was there for me? To ask me “What’s wrong?”. To just listen with a kind heart. When I had secrets to tell. Secrets crawling and hurting to be told.

   Noone.

   Noone was there.

   Not in the way I needed them to be at least. 

   Although, physically there was always someone there. I had a big “family”, and someone was always “there”. A baby crying, little kids whining, big sister’s fighting, cousins coming and going…

   And then there’s me. Just a little girl in this big crazy world around me. 

   How can such a small child be so alone in an environment full of dozens of people? Or maybe the question is why? Why would a little girl surrounded by people feel so alone?

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5 thoughts on “Where do I begin?

  1. I prefer to be referred to as J. And I didn’t. These are truly the first time these words have been released from my soul..there are many more to come. This is only the beginning. I can no longer let these things hold my life down. And I read somewhere that the best way is to release them..and this is the least distructive way I can do so without blowing up the world around me. I’ve never blogged before and hope this becomes the release I need.

    Like

  2. Hi J. Good for your for speaking out about this. You are very brave. I cannot imagine keeping this secret, but I do know what it’s like to keep secrets your whole life and how miserable and alone it feels, despite the physical people around you. I hope writing about your story helps you, I have had great success speaking with a psychologist, it’s always good to have a person who will listen. Find a good one, that you like and trust. Best of luck, beautiful writing.

    Liked by 1 person

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